Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
