The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
