I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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