I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
