Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
