For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
