I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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