I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
