I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
