No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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