I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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