My cat gives me a boner
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
