My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
