Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
