I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
