If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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