4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
