Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
