I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
