apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
