Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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