Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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