There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
