I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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