he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
