this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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