Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
