i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
