Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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