I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
