her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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