im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
