I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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