didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
