I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
