my phone needs a breathalizer
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
