i jhust puked up my retainher.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
