dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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