I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
