You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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