hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
