LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
