dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
