I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
