Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
