Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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