I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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