the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
