he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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