can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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