it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
