PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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