My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
