They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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